How  to Give a Cat a Pill Share  
          (I personally don't recommend all these techniques, but I thought I would include what others have tried.)

 

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of  your left arm as if holding a baby.

 


 
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into  mouth.

 
Allow cat to close mouth and  swallow.

 
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. 

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat  process.

 
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and  throw soggy pill away. 
 


 
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm; holding rear paws tightly with left  hand.

 


 
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish  bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.


 


 
Call spouse in from the garden.


 
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees; hold front and rear paws.

 


 
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat  vigorously.


 
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


 
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered  figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing  later.


 
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

 


 
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth  open with pencil and blow down drinking straw


 
9. Check label to make sure pill  not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water  and soap.



 
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

 
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck. Leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

 


 
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and  fetch new one from bedroom. 


 
12.  Call fire department to retrieve  the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

 


 
Take last pill from foil wrap.

 
13.  Using heavy-duty pruning  gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with  garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into  mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.   Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash  pill down.



 
14.  Consume remainder of scotch.   Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly  while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from  right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new  table.

 


 
15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect  mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any  hamsters.

 

 
 
 

 
How To Give A Dog A  Pill
1.  Wrap it in bacon.
 
2.   Toss it in the air. 

 
 

                            

 

                                      Dogs Rule and Cats Drool.

 

 

Go Back to Funny Emails  Home  Site Map

  Personal Note: A friend sent me this as an email years ago. Hope it made you laugh. 

  This is just too funny not to share. I'm still rofl. Good one.